Its that time of year again… I can’t avoid it. And even though selfishly I want to, I can’t. It’s Mother’s Day on Sunday.

Let me start by saying this… because I feel its so important to start with this. I am blessed. Very blessed with a mother that is amazing, an independent thinker, has a great sense of humor, and timelessly beautiful. She is my friend, my confidant and has always been my cheerleader. She learned the hardest lesson any mother probably has to learn and that is when to let go and its because of that that I am who I am. Honestly without her I don’t know where I would be today. I cannot imagine my life without her in it. I am also blessed with Ryan’s mother. She to, is an amazing woman. Both of these mothers have helped me in life as life supports probably more then any other human being. When my Nana, my mom’s mom died a year ago this past November I watched my mom grieve and become someone I had never seen. Nothing bad by any means… she just became childlike, helpless and sad. I realized that just like how I feel about her.. she was and is struggling to live in a world where her mom is not. I am so thankful for my mom and my mother-in-law.

Okay so here is the part where I get selfish and share how I feel. Mother’s Day hurts. I can live almost an entire year without feeling real pain and sadness over what I want most in this life. However without fail, Mother’s Day comes and I have that band-aid ripped off. And the wound seeps with pain, sadness, anger, self-pity and all the ugliness that is bottled up inside. In 2 weeks Ryan and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage. An entire decade. In this day and age, and with my generation that is becoming so rare. We have made it. We have beat the odds. Our marriage has grown stronger and weaker depending on the season. I have really been thinking so much about our 10 years of marriage. I am proud of it. However our nearing anniversary is also another layer of the scab being ripped away. We never, ever imagined our life to turn out like this. Ever. Here we are. 2 people that still long for the same thing. A little person to call ours. A little person that can give Mother’s Day a new meaning to me. To us.

So there you have it. Now you know. Mother’s Day hurts. It hurts really bad. I won’t skip over it. I may skip church… but I won’t skip over it because there are so many reasons to still celebrate what this day means. Not just my mother’s but also the beautiful friends I have in my life that are mothers. Some of you are soon to become mother’s again or for the first time. And please, know that I am sincerely joyful for you.

Please just excuse me if I need a moment…

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I realize some of you might think I bring up our In Vitro process to much on here. That’s fine if you feel that way. I probably do. I don’t even know why I am prefacing it with that statement. This is my blog. I can say whatever I feel like. I started this blog because I wanted to journal (openly) my way through all the struggles of our infertility. So tough cookies if I talk about it to much.

(feeling a little saucy today)

2 years ago today is when we found out that all the many months, many dollars (understatement) and many tears brought about a BIG fat.. Regretfully, you are not pregnant. Although today really isn’t the anniversary of anything special… I still am reminded of how I thought the news on December 18th, 2008 would change our lives forever. and maybe it did…

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My mind is going in a million directions at the moment. It should not, since its after 12am, I have drank sleepy-time tea and taken a sleep aid. However here I sit at my dining room table with my head spinning.

Adoption.

This came up about 5 months after our IVF failed. I was in our bedroom and Ryan said to me, “I think I am ready to talk about adoption”. I have always been open to the idea of adopting. I cry just thinking about the beauty of the entire thing. However 6 years ago when this journey started my desire to conceive a child was greater. We walked down that lonely road of going through IVF. Most of you have no idea what that is like. I sincerely hope and pray you never will. It was the most painful experience after loosing my friend I have ever gone through. I blogged about the process and all the steps that took place but even that couldn’t capture the hell I was living in at the time. Anyway this is not what this is about.

Adoption. That is on my mind. I am nearing Christmas. So many aspects of this season cause the ache in my chest to become heavier. December 18, 2 years ago we were given the news that we were NOT pregnant. To try and explain to you what it felt like I was hearing was this “I am so sorry Laura. All of your children, your hopes and dreams, they have all died. They are no more”. To me December 18th is the day I lost my child. So I grieve.

Is it ironic that we have gotten mail, phone calls and emails from an adoption agency wanting to speak with us in the last week? Just tonight I was sitting here looking at their website and tears were streaming down my face as I try not to hope. Sometimes its easier to just “not go there”. But this season, the season of Hope, I find myself there. Where will this journey lead? How will I survive more heartache when it comes?

Adoption.

I am hoping……

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At this very moment I am listening to the Guns*N*Roses song. What a great song.

I flash back to 8th grade, sitting in our old Dodge station wagon with my sister Jennifer. She drove me to school everyday. Apparently at the time this was one of her favorite songs. The car didn’t have a tape player so Jennifer would bring her boom box and would play this song over and over. I remember it so clearly. I was never allowed to talk during the song… she would go to this “place” where she would tap her fingers against the tan steering wheel and when they sang…. she sang. As I am listening to the lyrics at the moment, I can’t help but chuckle… “everybody needs some time, on their own”. Perhaps Jennifer was going to a place where her kid sister wasn’t bugging her in the seat next to her in her classy station wagon that had a missed-matched door due to my mom.. (a whole other story)

This song came to mind today, this 22nd day of November. Its raining outside. Not a huge surprise with a Portland evening. It rains a lot here. So far, I am okay with it. I actually have loved it. I have been told so many times that I just need to make it through the first winter here. Apparently people really struggle through winters here. Its dark an awful lot. And rains just about every day. I listen to these people when they tell me this but always want to say back to them… “what about warning people about their first summer’s or fall’s as well??” So far my time in Portland has been difficult. I don’t blame the city or the people. Its just the way it is. I did not imagine it to be this hard of a transition and am not sure if there was anything I could do to prepare myself for the life we are now living. So I just live each day and in order to self-preserve, I don’t skip to far ahead into my future. I am in a season of life that is filled with change, disappointment and new beginnings. Some day’s are really bad and then there are some day’s that are good. I have found that I have a very hard time giving patten answers when asked how I am doing. I know we all like to think we are real and genuine but when people ask us how we are.. we typically respond with a quick “I’m good” and move on. Why do we do that? Numerous reasons but lately I have a hard time giving the BS answer of I’m good. I’m tired of telling Portlander’s that I love their city and I am tired of saying that I am dandy when really I am not. I probably fit really well into this city at the end of the day.

I can imagine there are many people in this city I live in that are like my sister. They want to hush the world and go to their “place” and they feel that “everyone needs time on their own” I can relate because that is how I have felt. I just pray that these feelings will actually help me relate to someone around me that is feeling this way. I pray that the Lord will use me as I struggle to adjust. However long this will take…..And I ask you to pray that no matter how my day or week or month is.. that I continue to learn to love those around me.

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As I write this, I am exhausted and feeling like I am coming down with something. We arrived back into Portland today after spending the last couple days in Oklahoma with family and friends celebrating the marriage of my little sister Melanie to her husband Tony. Its been such an emotional roller coaster that I felt the need to write about it to help myself process the thoughts swirling through my very unclear head.
Melanie gave me the great honor of being her ‘Matron of Honor’ which as most of you know also means giving a speech. I started thinking and actually writing this speech 2 months ago. Wish I could say it was perfected with that much time put into it.

In short I said that since I was 7 when Melanie was born, I remember a lot of details of Melanie’s birth, her as a baby, a toddler, a little girl… and a woman. (insert sob) Seriously this is the point in the speech I started to cry. I knew I would. I cried every time I read it, or thought about it. Melanie often got on my nerves as a child as many younger siblings can. She copied me so much and it drove me crazy. If I picked something out, she wanted to pick it out as well. She’d follow me around at family events, and typically always want to sit next to me. It drove me crazy. Now as I am typing this tears are starting to stream. This little girl at some point grew up. She stopped copying me. She started making decisions and really good ones at that. Tony is one of her very best. Every one that knows them both can see how much he loves her.

As I watched my little sister get ready on her wedding day and hold Tony’s hand promising to love him until she dies I have such a bitter sweet feeling. Where have the years gone? When did the little girl with the bowl cut grow into such a incredible woman? A woman I love and admire and share so many things with? How blessed I am to have been able to be close to her during a lot of her engagement. We had already moved to Portland when her showers happened and I didn’t realize how hard it would be to miss them until they happened. Both of my sisters are so precious to me. Before living in Texas I was able to live in NYC near Jennifer for 5 years. I wouldn’t trade that time for the world either. When I said goodbye to Melanie before she left for her honeymoon I sobbed. I know I will never live in the same house as my sisters again. That’s okay.. We’d probably kill each other anyway.

I have felt life has been handing me a lot of reality checks lately. This past weekend I had a huge one and it hurts. Like I said, its bitter sweet. Growing up means relationships change. New relationships begin and old ones take on a new look. I am so thankful for my sisters and the gift they are to me. I wish I could say that I never take them for granted but I know I do. Today I don’t. Today I love them and realize how much I miss them when we were are apart.

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Quite a few of you have asked what is happening on the job front. *sigh. When we first arrived in Portland we both felt that we needed to apply at any paying job. So we did. And we did some more… and then some more. Yeah, the job market is hard. I was hired first at Target. Not my first choice but not my last and it paid! Unfortunately they hired me but didn’t actually start me until nearly a month later. Which really took its toll on our quickly depleting savings account. Which at this point is a joke that its called a savings account. During the waiting to start Target process I was hired by Christian Associates to work as a Admin. Assis. to Ann, our HR director. This job is for 32 hours a month so I still very much needed another job.
I finally started Target at the end of August and worked a couple weeks all different crazy hours. During this time Ryan had been searching for a job as well and he was hired as well on at the same Target. (we work well together but still thought this was hilarious we both had been hired at a Target) Anyway about 2 weeks ago I came home absolutely spent from my shift at Target. We have seen God provide for us in very amazing ways but the reality of our empty bank account was hitting hard. In tears and frustration I felt ready to pack up our belongings and just escape.

Where? That’s the thing. This IS home. There is nowhere to “run” to.

So Ryan and I just sat there in our little apartment with heavy hearts and prayed. We prayed God would provide us with the means to survive and the jobs that would help us do this. Target for the both of us, even with my other job just wouldn’t do it. Plus the hours changing constantly is just NOT my cup of tea. I like routine, I like schedules, I like structure. I am my fathers daughter.
This was on a Friday afternoon we prayed and I cried. We also sent my resume to a view more jobs on Craigslist. Monday morning rolled around. I had worked until 10pm on Sunday evening and then had a 6am shift that morning. I was home by 10:30 and after sleeping only about 4 hours ready to go to sleep for a few. I received a voice mail from a gentleman who said he received my resume’. He was interested in interviewing me and was pleased with my work history. He especially liked that I had put in nearly 5 years at Dallas Theological Seminary. Yipppeeee! We talked over the phone for about 20 minutes and he asked me to come in for a face to face right then and there. I ripped my red shirt and khaki’s off and threw myself together and drove the 5 miles to SW Portland.
Okay so long story cut short… I was hired. I started today and I am the company’s (Herndon Recognition) admin. assistant. Its a smaller company of about 25-30 employees and now I am one of them. I will be working 3 days a week for 8-9 hour days. My pay is a jump over my Target pay and it better suits my personality. It allows me to work with Ann for a day and gives me a consistent schedule that I thrive in. Needless to say… this is an answer to prayer.
We still need your prayers as we are trusting the Lord to provide us with the means to still survive here. My new job, Ryan’s Target job and my HR job still do not cover all our financial needs. However God has proven that He covers us with His love and has continued to provide for us. Even if at times I feel its in the last hour.

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When I moved to NYC over 12 years there was a show that came out not long after I moved there called “Felicity”. It was about a young naive girl who after graduating from high school follows the “love of her life” (he just didn’t know she existed) to NYU where she attends school. I loved this show. Not just because it took place in the city I was living in but I related to this girl on so many level’s at times. She was from California, while I had moved from Oklahoma. We were both around the same age. She was attending NYU while working at Dean and Deluca while I was working as a hostess in a posh restaurant in the basement of Barney’s NY, hoping to attend college!?! Okay so maybe we weren’t that similar.
It was the new girl to the new city that drew me to relating to this character. She was making new friends, while I was making new friends. She was adventuring through Manhattan while I was adventuring through Manhattan. I loved how our life seemed somewhat parallel even if it was really far fetched.

I have found myself searching for that here in Portland. Yes, there are A LOT of people that live in this city that are not from here, and that could cause us to relate. I suppose I am desperately wanting to relate to someone that moved here and maybe just maybe had a hard time settling down in the beginning. Because we moved here to work with a church plant and “settle” I have felt guilty that I am not just LOVING it. As with most big changes in my life, its going to take time. I move into things somewhat quickly and then slooooooooooow down to the point that might frustrate those around me. Matter of fact I know they frustrate those around me. I observe and take in my surroundings and often come across as shy. There are probably a few of you that are laughing over that. Its true. I am not the bubbling extrovert that has the world on my shoulder. Or whatever the saying is.

My first couple months in Portland have revealed to me a couple things about myself.
1. JUST like when I moved to Dallas 8 years ago, I struggle with comparing my relationship with God and my walk with Him to those around me. (perhaps another blog post)
2. I am insecure.
3. I have high expectations on friendships. At DTS I was blessed with a few extremely deep, raw, authentic relationships. Those woman changed me. Seriously I am a better person because of a few woman that God placed in my path. They walked with me through the death of my dear friend Jenny, they walked with me through 5 years of infertility and they walked with me through my depression. They know that my marriage is far from perfect, that I am bitchy when I PMS (& drive), they know that I love Hollywood gossip, teeny bopper shows, and that I typically prefer having people to my home over going out. I love these girls (we are all still girls, right?) so dearly but I cannot expect everyone to be like you all. I do want authentic. I do expect real. Deep might be for only a few though. And I need to cut Portland some slack. There has to be a kindred spirit out there though?

So there you have it. I am adjusting and feeling the need to relate to the “Felicity’s” of Portland. I am also learning that I have many many flaws and am still very much a work in progress. Portland, please be patient with me.
xoxo.

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Since we haven’t had really any extra funds since arriving in Portland we have found one of our very favorite and FREE things to do is drive over to Mount Tabor which is less then 2 miles away. Its an extinct volcanic cinder cone that has a city park on the volcano and a beautiful neighborhood surrounding it. We have walked around the entire thing many times but have one path/trail that we have especially grown fond of. Its quiet, green, lush and brings us both such peace as we walk this path and discuss our new life in Portland. Ryan came here often when he was living here for those couple weeks before we made our move permanent. We love Mount Tabor park! I took this picture of Ryan and Bigsby the other day as they walked ahead of me and Pippin. Which Pippin being our “poky little puppy” happens quite often.

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There have been people I have met that have left lasting impressions on me. Some of them because of what they’ve said to me that I have not forgotten. However the people that have really left an imprint on my life are those people that I have seen handle some of the crappiest of situations and walked through it with joy. These people understand that there is more to life then the circumstances surrounding them.
And they awe me.
They humble me.
They bless me.
Now don’t think I have any judgment on those of us that crumble when things get hard. I do just really admire these individuals that have walked through proverbial flames and done it with grace and joy.
I really wish I could say that I did everything with out complaining and with joy. Oh! How I wish I could say that. No, I am a grumbler. I kick and scream at God and quickly determine for myself that whatever “trial” He is putting me through I am not in need of the lesson.
If only I could see past myself. Past my very narrow view of the future then perhaps I could walk with joy and go forth with peace.
I so desire to be joyful in all my circumstances.
I don’t want to be a grumbler. I guess nobody really wants to be a grumbler.
My prayer today is that I learn to be joyful in ALL my circumstances.

Thank you for those who have blessed and encouraged me with your joyful spirit.

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a time line of events. that’s what life has been. I was looking back at my blog this evening.
my poor neglected blog.
I could quickly follow the time line of events that took place since I started my blog. I realized that its been 2 years since we started the In Vitro process. Its weird we have met people now that don’t even know we did that. They don’t know what a very significant impact that had on my life. They don’t know that part of my time line.
Time has passed.
2 years ago I looked into the future and saw us with a bubbling toddler at this point. Perhaps 2 or 3 depending on the results of our pregnancy.
Time has passed.
I have found life dealing out once again a completely different order of events then what I imagined them to be. Sometimes I feel a lone in this. I see my friends married, having their 2nd, 3rd maybe even 4th child. They planned and their plans happened.
I planned and well here I am.
Here I am 9 years later married to Ryan living on the West Coast with no children and wondering what is on our time line for life from this point on. I have found it very difficult to make any big plans in life because I don’t like the idea of disappointment anymore. So I make and some what control the smaller plans in life. Such as what I will cook for the week. What we will do 2-3 nights from now. Very minuscule I am sure to most of you. However to me, I need a plan. A very small plan.
Right now my plan is to settle into a rhythm here in Portland, Oregon. Our new home. The 4th state we have lived as a married couple. I have new additions to my time line and I am trying to take it one day at a time.

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