Ryan has been preaching at PBC for 10 weeks now.  Its so hard to believe that the time here is has flown by so quickly. Every Sunday after Ryan finishes his message he goes to the back of the church to greet people as they leave.  He has been encouraged by the words people have spoken to him during this time. Sometimes just a simple..”thanks, I needed that..” goes a long way.  Personally I feel like every Sunday I can say..”thanks, I needed that”. Its crazy how God can speak so clearly and directly to you when you listen.

We sang a song Sunday that basically repeated “God you are good, you are good to me”.  As my heart and mind is preparing for our life and ministry in Portland, Oregon I was so encouraged to think about ALL that God has done in my life to prepare me. My time living here in Ponca City has been good. I feel refreshed and I am sharing this because honestly toward the end of our time in Dallas, that last year… life was crap. I was in a rut and felt that Portland was going to fix it. Thats a lot of unhealthy expectation to put on Portland, the people, and our team there. God knew this and I can see that having me move to Ponca City was his slap in my face that its not Portland that will fix my rut.. its God, Himself.

Thanks, I needed that.

Last night on Facebook I read that some people we knew from our first couple years at seminary had lost a child right after giving birth. From their blog I have read that they knew this was going to happen. Yet I cannot even fathom knowing this can prepare you for the grief that comes in the loss of life, life that you are apart of.  Although I did not know them very well my heart aches for them and the pain they must be going through.

Often times when people are going through trials and hardships we pray for peace for them. I know many of you have prayed that for Ryan and I when we went through IVF. It was a valid prayer to pray. We needed peace. As do the George family right now. So as I was sitting here thinking about them and praying for them to find this peace my mind went to a hymn I have known all my live.  The words go like this..

When peace like a river, attendeth my way;

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,

It is well, it is well with my soul.

It is well…with my soul… It is well, it is well, with my soul…

I have often sung this song and found myself emotional. To say it is well with our soul in the midst of sorrows is only due to the peace we attain through our Father in heaven. Nothing else could bring us peace during times of pain.

The man, Horatio Gates Spafford, who wrote this great song wrote it after the loss of all 4 of his children in a shipwreck. He knew pain. He knew loss. And yet I imagine many of his family and friends prayed that Horatio and his wife would have peace.

I pray today that Summer and Rick George find peace in the arms of our Savior as they grieve the loss of their son.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,

I have finally been able to get back into reading again. When I was younger I read all the time. However a couple years ago I started having trouble concentrating on books and kept my reading to a minimum only reading magazine articles, if even that.

I am slowly coming back to being the bookworm that I once was. I enjoy all different types of fiction. To date, the best books I have read and YES I will admit it is the Twilight series. Nothing has sucked me in and kept me reading like that saga has. Anyway I am not writing this to talk about the fact that I am Team Edward. Ha!

For years, friends of mine have told me that I need to read “Redeeming Love” by Francine Rivers. I have owned a copy for about 3 years and never picked it up. Until yesterday. And oh my word I cannot put it down. Not because I think Ms. Rivers is a literary genius. (some of you are probably thinking.. “not that you would know one Laura, since you just talked about Twilight.”- Touche’) Its the story she is re-writing of Hosea and the prostitute that has captured my attention and left me wanting to keep turning the page to see the story of redemption played out. If you haven’t read it I recommend it.

For the record… my all time favorite book  (singular)  is “The Color Purple” .

I recently turned 31.

31. I could get depressed at what my life has accumulated or not for that matter to this point. I have a husband of nearly 9 years. 2 dogs that I adore.. no surprise there. What else? I have a 8X8 storage room on the other side of town that holds almost all of our earthly possessions. 2 old mixed matched couches, a queen size bed that we both despise because of how uncomfortable its become, a dining room table our friends gave us, lamps, kitchen stuff and other odds & ends. My life. In a box. Well a room but its like a box.

I am not depressed about that ‘box’. I am not depressed about living in my parents home with my husband of nearly 9 years with the 2 dogs I adore. If you had asked me at 21 where I saw myself in 10yrs I could never have dreamt this scenario up in a million years. I was the one at 19 who packed my little Cheve’ Cavalier and drove those miles 1,446 to NYC to live and start a new life. And now I am back. Its humorous. Its ironic. Its a God thing.

I am NOT one of those people that say that “Its a God thing” freely. I think I can count on 1 hand the times I’ve said it in the last couple years. Do I give credit to God where its due… in the words of my husband.. Absofrigginlutely! At least I hope I do. I don’t say it because sometimes I think its over used or under.. I don’t know. Perhaps I am wrong for my opinion on the entire matter.

Living here in Ponca City in a town of 23,000 with my husband who grew up in a city of over 8 million is funny to me. We both know we aren’t meant to stay here. However because of who we are and where we’ve been and where we are going… the fact we are here is “a God thing”. We are on our journey to Portland and Ponca City is on that path. Yee-Haw!

Here I am… in a new year. Lately I have been inspired by some friends to get my butt into gear and start up blogging again. I knew if I did this I needed to change. A LOT. So I am kicking off a new year with new thoughts, new adventures and well its still same old me. 2009 brought about some changes. After living in Dallas, Texas for most of our marriage (7 years and 3 months to be exact) we pulled out of Dallas on October 31st and drove 309 miles North to the town I grew up in, Ponca City, Oklahoma. This is NOT where the journey ends though. Back in August my parents were stopping through Dallas celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary. (yeah them!!) My dad over dinner started telling us about a possible new adventure his life was about to take. He has been a pastor for nearly 30 years and a police chaplain for 23 years. This past Summer the Ponca City police chief brought up the idea of my dad going through the CLEET program. (also known as police academy) If he did do this he would attend academy starting in January and ending in April of 2010. Being the first ever police chaplain in the state of Oklahoma to attend CLEET my dad was honored with this request and began praying and thinking about the details that would go into making this happen. This is where we come in.

Now I am going to REALLY back up and give you some of our back ground changes in 2009. After IVF sadly did not work for us we were left kicking off a new year wondering where we go from there. Both of us were devastated and wanted to quite honestly… quickly move on from that time. We had stuck around in Dallas after Ryan’s DTS graduation for the purpose of being near specialist and having the support system we had there staying put made sense. Well that was then… When we moved to Texas we never even for a moment considered living in Texas, especially Dallas permanently. It was not apart of the path we felt/feel the Lord had for us. So when we no longer had medical reasons holding us, most of our friends had moved and we were in jobs that neither of us wanted to make careers out of we starting asking ourselves.. what now?

Late January, early February we got a call from someone we had been put into contact with about 8 months before who was involved in church plants on the West coast. At the time we first connected with this person our main focus was IVF.  However when he unknowingly called us in early 2009 after IVF did not work and brought up again the idea of ministry on the West Coast , we heard him LOUD & CLEAR. Both of us became excited about a door we felt the Lord was opening for us. The church planting organization is called Christian Associates Int’l and we have maintained a relationship with them over our time at seminary. So in June of 2009 we traveled out to LA where their headquarters is located and spent a week going through training, counseling, personality testing and many other things to evaluate if we were a fit for their staff. By July 1 we had been accepted as staff with CA!! I think both Ryan and I felt for the first time in years a burst of tangible HOPE before us in our future. I personally have struggled with Hope on so many levels and felt this new door was a sign that God was with us. So now we ARE on staff with CA and you might be wondering what that means?? To speed this up (totally my lame fault for not blogging more often) after praying over , visiting and connecting with certain CA staff we have with out a doubt concluded that we are moving to PORTLAND, OREGON! I will blog much more about Portland, our road to Portland, life in Portland and well nearly everything Portland later …. For now I just felt the need to let you know that is the PLAN.

Now we are back to the conversation around the dinner table with my parents that night in August. My dads been asked to attend police academy and to make that happen he would need someone to fill his ministry at his church during those months. ding ding ding.. Yep! He asked Ryan. And let me make this clear for you.. Both my parents are fully in support of our ministry with CA and our move to Portland later this year. At the time he asked Ryan we knew we were moving somewhere (weren’t 100% on Portland at the time) , we just had no idea when we would move there or how we would move there. IVF kicked our bank account & credit cards behind! My Dad thought that by us moving to Oklahoma, TEMPORALLY and living with them we could save money, gain experience in ministry, help him out and help my mom out by keeping her company while he is gone 4 days/nights a week at Cleet.  So they asked us to think about it and pray about it. We had a trip planned to Portland in September and wanted to take time there to seek counsel from both our possibly future co-workers and from God. We were clear after leaving about 2 things. Yes, God wanted us in Portland and Yes, He wanted us to take the time in Oklahoma before moving there.

And that brings us back to today. I’m not going to lie… our journey to Portland is bumpy. Naturally, me being the history lover that I am, I can’t help but think about the pioneers that journeyed on the Oregon trail in hopes of a fresh start. That is what we are doing. So like those people that made this journey in what usually took them 4-6 months we also will be taking that time to get to where we are going. Thankfully not by horse or foot and with the luxury of modern technology I can blog about our journey there. The first part of this journey will take place here in Oklahoma and of course the rest well you will have to keep reading…

I don’t even remember how to sign into my blog. Its been THAT long. Here I am. Back to old faithful. Hmmmm… Where have I been the last ..HOLY CANOLY… has it really been over 6 months since I have written. I mean, I know time flies when your older. Apparently when you turn 30 (which a particular blogger, not mentioning any names did turn 30 in January) everything just starts to coast on from there.

Okay I am ready to change things up a bit. When I started this blog I had one thing and only one thing in mind. My In vitro process. And that was great. And honestly it was super therapeutic. However that is over with for now. And I am on to a new chapter in my life. It might not draw the same interest crowd but its another chapter none the less. I decided last week I would jump start this boring lame site back into existence. I actually hadn’t even come near it with a 10 ft pole. However I found myself dabbling into what I had written. And although it was slightly painful to relive those memories of what IVF did and didn’t produce ultimately.. I was reminded how awesome God was to me during that time. How he used my blogging and you all to encourage me often on a daily basis. So here we go again peeps. Lets roll…

I realize its taken me some time to write about what is happening and has happened. Most all of you know what the result was to our pregnancy test. Regretfully is what came out of Dr. M’s mouth when he called back on Dec. 18th to let us know if we were pregnant. He could have said that word and hung up. Its all I needed to hear to understand what the result was. I had played over and over in my mind before that call what he or a nurse would say, both good and bad. I thought by acting out in my head it could prepare myself for what would be said. Plus to be quite honest it was such a fantasy of mine to hear the words…. “you are pregnant, Laura”. Regretfully, I am not.

Do I regret anything? Wow… that is a loaded question to answer right now. My mind whirls in emotions thinking about if I regret the last 6 months. Appointment after appointment, shot after shot, tears after tears being shed, pain almost unbearable at times. Money so far drained we don’t think we had it to begin with. However I need to stop there. When I think back about the last 6 months that is not what I remember the most. I think about our hopes and dreams nearly becoming tangible. I think about the great sleep I was getting, knowing so many were praying for me.  I remember my mom taking time off from work and helping me walk to the bathroom because I could barely stand. I remember watching old black and white movies with her like we often did when I was a little girl.I remember my sweet husband overcoming his fear of needles to give me a shot. I remember my work be so supportive during my many ups and downs The biggest thing I pray I will never forget is the multitude of people surrounding us in prayer. You all encouraged us daily. When we had no faith.. you had it for us. Today, even now as we grieve, I know people are still praying for us.

Regretfully I am not pregnant. However I do not regret what amazing love and support I have experienced from so many of you through out this time. Ryan and I are both different people because of it. We truly have felt the power of prayer. We continue to be broken hearted and disappointed beyond words with our empty arms. However our hearts are so full.

Thank you all so much. We love you and ask that you continue to pray for us. We so desperately need it.

My sweet Aunt Sue emailed me today and mentioned that I hadn’t written in my blog since well HOLY COW.. October. I had gotten so good at writing in here back in July and August and then well you all know. Everytime Ryan asked me why I am not writing in here all I could reply with was “I have nothing to say”. And that was the truth. I didn’t have words to form to make any sense of what I was thinking. Or maybe it was because I wasn’t thinking. I have spent the last 4 months on auto. As I am typing I am thinking what a waste of life that was of me. SHAME. It is what it is though.

What brought me to the blogging world was my desire to share my road to pregnancy or the hope of that. Its still happening. Here is the update:

I have spent the last 5 or so weeks back in the process of preparations for pregnancy. It started with daily shots and then it went to patches of estrogen placed all over my lower half with sharpy written #’s on them to help me know when to change them. Starting tomorrow morning I am back on 2 types of oral medication and Ryan has to start doing the NASTY giant needle injections NOT once.. but 2 times a day! Well this time there is NO major discomfort due to growing ovaries. Praise the Lord! Nope.. we have our lil’ frozen babies. As I’ve so fondly started calling them. All we have been prepping for is our transfer. And that my dear friends and family is this Sunday, December 7th at 9:30 in the morning. At that time we will be in a room with our 2 doctors, Dr. M and our embryologist Dr. Zhang and 2 nurses. They will carefully and skillfully insert two little embryo’s into my uterus. I will spend 3 days flat on my back…. praying. My mom is coming to Dallas again to help me out during this BED REST. What a gift she is. Its so helpful because it means Ryan can go to work and she will be around to wait on me… hand and foot. HA! (mom, you didn’t know what you were getting into.. did you???)

We will hopefully right around Christmas we will know the results. As you can all imagine… we are so very excited, nervous, anxious and well scared to death of the outcome. As much as I tell myself over and over its all in God’s hands… I am still overwhelmed with the thoughts of it not working. However I am trying to focus on the chance that it will and think about how we will tell all of you! And dream of my little one in my arms this time next year. (SNIFF)

Please be praying for us this Sunday… and for our little ones. We so badly want both of our lil’ frozen babies to pull though. However whatever will be , will be. Que Sera.. sera.’

Okay so I mentioned how I loved the sermon on Sunday and how the Lord really spoke through our pastor. Today our pastor preached at DTS in chapel. Guess what the sermon was? Yup.. same one. He turned it a little and directed it specifically at people going into ministry. (naturally)

Ryan and I were both blessed all over again by his words, the Lord’s promises and the reminder of what we are here for.  It only caused me to get more excited about what the Lord has out there for us. Growing up I would NEVER have thought I might be a pastor’s wife. (gasp) However as I sat there next to Ryan today, I was filled with pride of the man that God has made him. And I couldn’t think of a better person I would want to serve with in life.

REMINDER: October is Pastor Appreciation Month. I am sure a quick thanks to your pastor would go a long way!

Life never ceases to amaze me with having major crossroads all hit at once. I have seen it time and time again with our friends here at seminary. Job/move/baby all seem to fall into the same small time period. I always sat and watched the show as everyone scurried to get their life in order.

Now its our turn. And I couldn’t be more excited, scared, anxious and did I mention excited? For starters I am officially back on the calendar for our IVF cycle. I have a ultra sound Friday morning to confirm this and we should be set to go… Nothing major will happen until end of Nov. and beginning of December but I can FINALLY start to cross off the days on the calendar again.

Our other major life happening is what really has me excited. (yep, even more then the baby!) Today Ryan and I met with a kind gentleman that works real hard to place DTS grads with churches that fit. We are officially on the market! As nerve wracking as it was to be asked all these ministry questions over lunch today, I think we both were as excited as little kids starting their first day of kindergarten. I kept thinking… this is whats it all about. THIS is why we came to DTS. We have worked so hard, Ryan has worked SO hard and now we are taking the leap of faith out there.

Over the last year we have both felt a desire to serve here in the USA. Missions has been a passion for us both but we realize with the cost of IVF and bills we have accumulated staying here for now is important. Its clear to us that Ryan is not a Sr. Pastor so we are praying that the Lord would bring him a wonderful Godly man to minister under as an Assistant Pastor. One of the things that I have slowly come to feel so passionate about it mentorship. So I have been really challenged in my prayer life to pray for Godly leadership over us. (we are both still young…..)

Can I just say??.. I am SO ready to leave Dallas! Don’t get me wrong.. I have loved our 6 years here. They have been the most challenging years of my life. Our life. However its time to move on…. And that is so exciting to me. Ryan is secretly hoping for the West coast.. I am actually hoping for the East coast. However we both ultimately desire to be where the Lord wants us.

Please be praying for us and the churches as we begin this canadating process. I really am feeling like we have arrived!